“Mom, stop washing my underwear!”How to ease the embarrassment of adolescence?
A group of parents at a high school went viral last night after a mother washed her son’s underwear after waking up to find it lying in the bathroom basin.Unexpectedly, my son saw the underwear hanging on the balcony and cried out: “Who is so abnormal?Move my underwear!”Although the matter passed in a joke, the more the mother thought about it, the more wronged she became.How can you wash your son’s underwear and be a pervert?Everyone in the group to express their opinions, some comfort mother said that the child is not sensible;Some people say that when children grow up, their underwear is private clothing and parents should not touch it.A debate broke out over whether or not to wash adolescent underwear.It reminds me of the family drama Xiaomin’s Family, which focuses on love and marriage, in which Xiaomin is also troubled by the same topic: should I help her son wash his underwear in senior three?She also asked Chen Zhuo, who lives alone with her daughter, “Do you wash your daughter’s underwear?”Chen Zhuo was surprised and said, “She is such a big girl. How can I wash her underwear?”At that time, there was also a lot of controversy on the Internet. Some people think that it is a natural thing for parents to wash their children’s underwear, and there is no need to pay attention to it.Do you want it washed or not?Before I answer that question, I’d like to say something about “invisible aggression within the family.”What is an invisible assault in the family?The invisible infringement in the family refers to the psychological harm caused by the parents’ inadvertent behavior to the child, which may make the child psychologically unable to develop healthily.Because of the hidden nature of the invisible injury is strong, it may be detected when the child shows psychological disorders, so it should be paid more attention to.In his novel Jerusalem, writer Xu Zechen describes a mother who, in order to prevent her teenage son Lu Dong from being exposed to vulgar things, would search his bag and drawer irregularly, and burst into his bedroom in the morning, asking him to take off his underwear in bed for inspection.If there is something on your underwear, ask how it came about.If you haven’t missed it for a few days in a row, check.Under his mother’s strong intervention, Lu dong even felt it was illegal to have independent thoughts: “In our family, it was illegal to have independent thoughts, and my father couldn’t either. All plans and wishes had to be approved in advance, and my mother could only carry them out with her consent.In front of all this was my mother, who had been my end all these years, my whole body full of drive and ambition. What was the point?If there is, it becomes an offense.”In the end, these Lv Dong because of these excessive behavior, become “abnormal people”.The behaviors of mothers in the online novel may seem exaggerated, but if we spread them out, are most of them present in our lives?Like checking your diary, helping to wash your underwear, or interfering in all your decisions.These seemingly small actions can cause real harm: a child’s sense of boundaries is destroyed;The child’s psychological development trajectory is disrupted.In particular, behaviors such as washing underwear and heterosexual parents will make children lose their physical boundaries and even make their sexual psychology develop abnormally.In the psychology of child sex education, this is called “invisible sexual assault in the family”.In many families, this phenomenon exists: the child has entered adolescence, but the opposite sex parents do not deliberately avoid the child when changing clothes, bathing;There may even be too much physical contact with the child, such as touching the child’s sensitive parts and kissing the child’s mouth.Parents don’t see anything wrong with these behaviors, but rather see them as a sign of love for their children.But in fact, these behaviors are blurring the physical and psychological boundaries between children and people. At best, children will lose their sense of self-protection, and at worst, children will have a higher probability of mental illness when they become adults.What parents do will cause psychological shadow on children since it is invisible harm, so such “harm” included in the parents’ daily behavior?There is a saying that helping children do things that they will not do is called “care” and helping children do things that they can do is called “wait on”.Not to mention the puberty of the child has a certain ability to take care of themselves, just some of the physiological changes of the child into adolescence, most of the parents are also difficult to talk about.Whether it is a boy or a girl, entering puberty, underwear will have their own body secrets, let the child to deal with their own, it is more helpful for children to go through puberty better, unless the child sends out a signal for help.Otherwise, parents’ forced help will blur the physical boundaries of their children, and what they can do on behalf of their children is to cultivate “giant babies” and “mama bao”.In order to express their love to their children, many parents always like to kiss and hold them. Sometimes the children do not want to be close, the parents will forcibly kiss and hold the children.Some parents, even when their children enter puberty, do not taboo, and even think it is a good performance of feelings.In fact, this behavior itself is harmful.However, when the child does not consent to physical contact, it is a great disrespect to the child.And children who are not respected, it is difficult to learn to love themselves.Children will also lower their own bottom line on people, things and things in later life;For example, there is no clear sense of self-protection against physical contact against one’s will.3, parents themselves do not avoid the process of children’s growth, growing up is not only a physical, psychological is also a gradually perfect process.Parents are the closest people to their children, but there are gender differences.For example, Taiwan actress Di Ying dotes on her son because she is a very old child.The closeness with her son also made her unaware of the importance of gender education and did not deliberately avoid anything in front of her children.She told a variety show that her son was weaned at the age of 12, slept in the same bed at 15 and even let her teenage son hold her in his arms.It was only when he had a physical reaction while sleeping that she finally realised the seriousness of what had happened.How do parents maintain boundaries with their adolescent children?Parents love their children, this is beyond doubt, but “love” is not equal to “love”.Give the child has the measure of love, is the true meaning of love.1. Teach children gender awareness as early as possible, usually at the age of three;From six to twelve, there is the incubation period of gender awareness;After puberty, gender role awareness is really formed.So, at the age of three, we should start to give our children some simple gender education.For example, when the child asks questions such as “why does daddy stand up to pee while mommy sits up to pee?” and “where do I come from?”, do not be evasive, because the more careless you are, the more curious the child will be.If you don’t know how to tell your child correctly, explore with your child, for example by reading a picture book.Let your child bathe alone when he or she is older.Of course, this age is not fixed, each child’s development cycle is different, we should also follow the child’s own growth law, and then step by step, step by step to deepen the education.2, do not joke about the privacy of children’s parts many parents feel that children are still young, there is no privacy, so in the adult chat, will take out the child’s privacy things, and do not even avoid the child.For example, there was a parent whose child was going to have a small operation on private parts after the holiday. He talked to other parents about the schedule after the holiday casually, completely ignoring his son’s red face and other students’ jeers.When the child enters adolescence, the child’s self-awareness, gender concept, are building layers of self-esteem.Parents talk and laugh without scruples, not only will hurt the child’s self-esteem, but also have a bad effect on the child’s sexual psychology.Keeping a certain distance from your child does not mean letting your child develop freely.Discipline and guidance are also part of a parent’s duties.For example, when children are two or three years old, they will have a strong awareness of their own body, and then resist parents to help take a bath and so on. At this time, what we need to do is to tell children the steps of cleaning, and then give everything to children to try.The same is true for adolescent children. When children’s physiology changes, parents can talk calmly with their children and guide their children to treat them correctly.It is also important to convey the concept of gender equality to children, which will lead to a good relationship later on.”Good parenting equals unconditional love with clear boundaries,” says Jacqui Masson in The Lovely Curse.Only establish boundaries with children, will let children have a cold feeling;Giving children love without establishing rules and boundaries can inadvertently have a negative impact on their mental health.Loving boundaries, gentle firmness, doing what needs to be done and leaving everything else to the child is the best parenting a parent can give a child.